There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
