Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Two words: blizzard sex
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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