Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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