I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
