She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize