Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
