he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
