The maid of honor just puked.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
