Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
