I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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