$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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