you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
