Can i not drive my cunt home
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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