I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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