The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
