I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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