Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
