Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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