If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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