Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
