Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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