last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
