just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
