Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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