when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
