everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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