Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
