Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
