dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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