Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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