You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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