Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
