fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
