i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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