i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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