Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
