Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
