i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
