I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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