I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
