his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
