another moral hangover. fuck.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Who died my cat blue again?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
