I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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