I didn't shave. On purpose
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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