Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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