I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
