That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
