this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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