i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
