I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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