i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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