Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
