dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
