You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
