My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
