Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
