is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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