I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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