RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
3 2 1 whiskey
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
