I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
be right there i have to get my cape
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
