Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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