Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
